Inside Out

We are just around the corner from change. My baby boy turns one..sigh, and I head back to work. There is always so many mixed feelings around this change. Leaving my kids is so hard..painfully hard. Trusting other people to nurture, care and love for your kids the way you do, is not fun. So far we have been lucky in the sense that we have had family to help us out. And for the time being this will continue, as I will be working mostly evenings and weekends, so the babes are with their daddy:) But this also brings other challenges, as Dave and I have to work extra hard at finding time for each other. We know this is the new day and age though. That being a stay at home mom is really a gift that most don't get to experience. Dont get me wrong, no matter what our financial situation was I would probably always work as I do go a little stir crazy in the house so much and wiping boogers, and food off the floor all day, but one day it would be nice to get to the point where I get to choose what I do:) Something for me, and to give us a few extra fun things in life..one day.

With the little boy of mine reaching his first birth milestone; I take this time to reflect. To reflect on a year that we say, phew, we survived! My boy is a treasure. No words can describe how he has melted my heart and changed me forever, but this year has been rough. Really rough. We have faced many challenges and obstacles. We continue to face a lot of uncertainty in these unstable times in our world. I know we are not alone in this place, as a lot of people have faced hardship in the last couple of years, and in comparison to others, ours is nothing. But sometimes the walk is lonely.
We have always faced a LOT of illness this year. It was like a dump truck of germs that never ended:)
Throw in a very long year of sleep deprivation...I. am. tired.
I write all this down with one purpose though. To move forward. I need to move forward, I have lots to do, and staying in the past only prohibits me from fulfilling Gods plans for my life.
So I write this year down, and I close the book. I want to come back and reflect in the future, so I can say..see Crystal..see Gods promises fulfilled. And I know when this season of our life closes and we move onto the next one, I will look back with gratitude because everything we have gone through the last couple of years, everything I have gone through, has brought SO much growth in my life.

I have read, and read, and read this year; and I continue to do so. I crave knowledge and wisdom, I crave peace and simplicity. I crave realism and authenticity. I crave love. I want to be surrounded by it, and give it freely. I don't want to hold back, but I am also learning boundaries; huge boundaries. I am learning to love myself  better, and my ever changing post baby body. I am learning where my worth lies, and how I am measured. And its not with a measuring tape:) PTL,
My spirit is calmer, and getting stronger daily. I have set backs, and melt downs and lots of questions why..but I am human, made in his image.
I have been humbled, shook to the core, brought to my knees and daily renewed by his spirit in me. I am learning what it means to say he is in me. Its a knowledge that has lived in my head for years, and from time to time experienced in my heart, but not a daily drawing on. A constant reminder and reflection of the power that is in me because he is in me.
I am learning how destructive self talk can be, and learning how to renew my mind..its hard..really hard.
I want to be more than myself. I want to be more than the daily list the world tells me to be. I want to be used for his glory instead of my own. My way doesn't work very well. I am learning to let go of the control. Its hard; Im trying. I am learning to forgive myself as I know how to so graciously to others. My own worst critic I will no longer be. When I love myself better I love others better.

I am discovering faith in action. I want more of it. I want to see miracles in my life and in those around me. I am learning to believe in the power of them in our day in age, I have seen them before, I have experienced them before, I will see them again. I want to open my eyes to be able to see them.

I am learning to pray; really pray. I want to do more. I will always want to do more, because that is living and breathing as it is.

I want to continue to be humbled so He can be great. I want people to see his greatness through me.

I want my kids to know his light. I know they already see it, but I want them to encounter it to its fullest!

This is my continuous prayer for this year. I will be back with the breakdown how each of these things have been transforming in my life.  

Praying for you...